Monday, February 28, 2005

Scam The Man, Part I 

Escalator Shot Two
Originally uploaded by opusmo.
I just moved to a new apartment in Silverlake, one of the selling points of which is its proximity to the embryonic Los Angeles subway system. Being an east-coast boy at heart, the idea of traveling in a urine-smelling tin box hurtling underground at breakneak speeds appeals a great deal to me, so last night I went to give it my innaugural run.

The subway runs on a rediculous "honor system" in which you buy a tickt at a vending machine and then just stroll on the train. There are no ticket booths or security guards, you just have to triple-promise you'll pay.

Well I did my darndest. Three different machines, three different five-dollar bills - all of them summarily spit out. After a few minutes of attempting I said to myself "Screw this, I'm just getting on the train. Nobody will know."

Of course, getting off of the train, I was filled with dread. In front of me were a dozen different metro cops. They were going through the cars of the subway and stopping everybody exiting, making sure they all had tickets. Even the honor system needs some billy-clubs to back it up.

So I positioned myself behind a couple of goth kids going out on the town, kept my earphones in my ears and my eyes forward. I moved ahead, past the cops, and as they were distracted by Captain White Powder Makeup and his sidekick Incredibly Poor Black Hair Dye Job Girl, I walked right out. Free! I had scammed the man and gotten away with it! It must be what a bank robber feels, only in my case I only really got away with a buck twenty-five worth of free train ride. But still.

Coming soon, part two - my tale of low-stakes scamming continues as I get a little peice of Oscar for my own.


posted by opus  at 12:02 PM

Friday, February 25, 2005

Punk Rock Excursion 

Punk Rock Bar Floor
Originally uploaded by opusmo.
On Monday, the lovely Grant Wheeler asked me to join him to see a band called The Sound Of Urchin play. He sent me a few songs, they were a little Ween-y, bouncy, goofy pop songs. I wasn't crazy for it, but I figured it might be a fun show.

Later, Grant explained that the show was in Downey, a place further east than even East L.A., and that it was at a punk rock bar called The Anarachy Library. (Go to their website right now and click on the "store" link for the most unintentionally hillarious graphic ever).

When we arrived we noticed it was "Metal Monday" and that, even though we were carded at the door, most of the people inside looked like they were 14. I was the only person wearing a tie. One woman asked me why I was wearing a tie. I said "Because it looks good? Don't you think it looks good?" She turned back to her beer.

Apparently the "anarchy" part of the "Anarchy Library" was biker-esque flames painted on the wall. I would also like to know exactly who in the Anarchy Library thought it would be incredibly punk-rock of them to install a foosball table. Earlier that day, i was worried that I might get beat up. Now I realized my biggest worry was being poked by an errant mohawk spike by a kid who clearly is as uncomfortable with the hairstyle as his parents.

The local band ended and the 14 year old kids began streaming out of the door like Whitesnake fans on fire. By the time The Sound of Urchin took the stage, there were only four people anywhere near the stage - myself, Grant, a drunk white kid with dreadlocks who stared at his feet, and another drunk white kid who repeatedly shouted "Wooo!" as if the band were on stage at stadium miles away, not a few feet in front of him.

The band was none-too-pleased to be playing on Metal Monday. The lead singer immediately launched into a speech about how much he loved cocaine, and how he wanted everybody to be doing cocaine, and why wasn't everybody doing cocaine? The drunk white "woo" kid yelled "It's because they're all Nu-Metal pussies!"

The singer then lost it. He began to rant "Oh, I get it! We're a joke band, is that it? We're a joke band? Come see the joke band? Joke band! Joke band! Joke band!"

He then proceeded to chant "Joke band! Joke band!" for a good two minutes. The other bandmembers lamely tried to turn it into a song, although they looked at one another with fear in their eyes the entire time. I was laughing. The "woo" kid was "woo"ing. The dreadlocked kid was staring at his shoes.

Because it was "Metal Monday" the band proceeded to play a metal set, which wasn't really what they were good at because it was one of the worst things I've ever seen. The "woo" kid tried to mosh, even though it was just him and the dreadlocked kid. They were later joined by a bald guy with a shirt that said "Got Milk?" who seemed to just be a fan on moshing.

The band eventually gave up and left the stage, and Grant and I wandered back to his car. I found it hillarious, all in all. Not often at a punk bar do you find a 29 year old dude in a tie to be the most subversive thing in the whole place.

Oi, oi, oi.


posted by opus  at 1:48 PM

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Overheard at the 7-11. 

berlin, bastard
Originally uploaded by svanes.
"Don't call me a good man. I'm not a good man. I'm a good bastard!"
--Heavily accented 7-11 employee.

posted by opus  at 11:03 AM

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Puppet Show 

Puppet Show
Originally uploaded by opusmo.
I spent five minutes talking to this guy. The bear puppet is named Teddy, the rabbit puppet is named Nikki, and the elephant puppet (not pictured) is named Gumbo. He told me he used to have more puppets but somebody stole them. He said lots of people take his picture, but I'm the only one who asked him first, and the only person who gave him money for the privledge. Still, after all was said and done, I felt bad that I asked him the puppets' names but not his own.


posted by opus  at 3:37 PM

Friday, February 18, 2005

I'm Back! 

Originally uploaded by opusmo.
Due to something wacky at my hosting company, my site was down for about 48 hours. All around the world, children screamed, ladies fainted, and grown men broke down and wept like wee tots. Thankfully, everything's back on track now. All of you who were holding their breath may now exhale or, if it wasn't soon enough, begin funeral preperations.


posted by opus  at 10:14 AM

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Valentine's Voicemail Massacre 

Painted Leaf
Originally uploaded by opusmo.
I got home yesterday to find this message on my voice mail.

Hello, uh, hi, how are you? This is Jose here from Miami, Florida. I just, uh, just uh calling you to wish you a happy valentine day to you and your family. And, uh, I'll talk to you later. Okay? Allright. Bye bye.

I don't know anybody named Jose from Miami, Florida. I don't know whether to be flattered or scared.


posted by opus  at 1:12 PM

Sunday, February 13, 2005

All The Haters 

Originally uploaded by Vycanth.
My post below, the "hate-mail" I received, was posted not to elict any sort of pity or response. It was mostly just because I find these people endlessly amusing. They all obviously have something seriously wrong with their own lives to attack a complete stranger. If they feel the need to tear me down to fill some void in their lives, so be it. Just don't expect me to give a rat's ass. Their negativeness is their own issue. I'm just a dude with a website.

I told my neice, Amelia, about these nay-sayers. The finger on the right is her response.

With love,


posted by opus  at 9:45 PM

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Insults This Bad Are Almost Compliments 

Originally uploaded by opusmo.

Subject: I love your Web Site!!
Date: February 8, 2005 5:54:46 PM PST

Your web site sucks ass

you're gay

you're wife is ugly

you live a pathetic life

get a life

be gay

you are gay


posted by opus  at 6:57 PM

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Celebrate, for I am back! 

opus hat
Originally uploaded by opusmo.
Well my long nightmare of internetlessness is over. After nearly a month of my DSL being broken, somebody over at Earthlink finally pushed the "Unbreak It" button and restored me to my high-speed goodness. I hope you all missed me.

By the way, if you're looking for a way to spend a month, may I suggest waking every morning, calling tech support, being put on hold for a half an hour, and then getting somebody who tells you to call back tomorrow for a status report? Repeat this process for about thirty days. You'll either reach true enlightenment or go slowly insane. I chose the latter path - it's got better scenery.

A few things I thought of over the last month.

- If Jesus is in all of us, He is getting laid SO much. Must be why people call His name when they're humping.
- People who say "Oh, real mature!" are, themselves, not very mature.
- If I could be any kind of tree, I'd be the kind of tree that had sex.
- The only thing worse than being the guy who loses at bowling is being the guy who wins at bowling. It's not the sort of sport you really want to excell at.

With love and peanuts,


posted by opus  at 1:26 AM


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