Tuesday, March 30, 2004

New Slogan For The GOP

Bush-Cheney 04: Vote for whomever you like, we'll find a way to say we won.

posted by opus  at 6:32 PM

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Comedy Laughter Time!

Bush made a hillarious joke this week that is getting a lot of attention. Apparently, at a dinner, he showed a wacky slide show of him looking under furniture in the oval office, with the commentary "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!"

Oh, how we laughed. Let's take a look at some of George Bush's upcoming hillarious jokes.

"Knock Knock!" Who's there? "500 American soldiers" 500 American soldiers who? "500 American soldiers who died in Iraq becuase you said Saddam had Weapons of Mass Descruction!"

Cue Laughter

"So a priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. But if they consecrate a gay marriage, we're going to throw 'em in jail!"

Cue Laughter

Sorry I'm late folks... I just got advanced warning from Richard Clarke that Al Queda might use planes as weapons on September 11th... and boy are my arms tired!

Cue Laughter

You've been a great audience! Don't forget to tip your waitress... what 15% of a 4 trillion dollar defeict again?

Cue Laughter, Applause, Ousting from Office


--opus

posted by opus  at 10:14 AM

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Perhaps it just needs to be said

I don't like the phrasing, but there is a saying that says "Bros before Hos". I have never once referred to a guy friends as a "Bro" and I am certainly not in the habit of calling women "Hos" but the intention rings true. There are rules, after all. Decorum and ettiquette, even among men.

For example, how's this for a rule: If I invite you, my guy friend, to my own birthday party, and point out a girl that I like, and tell you that I think she's awesome, and then later in that same night make out with said girl... there's a rule that says you should NOT begin dating that girl a few days later. You should particularly not call a week later to explain that you and the girl are in "very serious" relationship. You shouldn't expect this to be okay with me.

Perhaps nobody said it before, so I'm going to now. Unwritten rule #1, finally written down. That is something you should not do. That's seriously not cool.

If you were to do something like that, you'd be making a decision. You'd be saying, in effect, that you value a girl you've just met over your longtime friend. Which is fine, it's your decision to make, but now you have to live with the circumstances. Hope your relationship is particularly fulfilling; it's got to serve as both lover and friend now. You're out one of the latter.

For the man left out, it's a crummy place to be. Not only is the girl you really had your eyes on seeing somebody else, but you also lose a friend in the process. It's a lonely feeling. Want to call up the friend to complain? No dice, he's out boffin' the girl you had eyes on for months. You end up reverting to the same sort of coping techniques you had in high school. Loud-volume cranky music and long periods of uncontrollable moping.

Not that any of these tragic events have happened to me, mind you. No, sir. This is all purely hypothetical. If you'll excuse me, now, I'm going to listen to the Violent Femmes and stare at the ceiling.

--opus

posted by opus  at 9:32 PM

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Robot Jesus!

What do you do when you're Mel Gibson and you can't actually hang an actor on a cross for hours on end? There's a simple answer: Robot Jesus! Robot Jesus! Robot Jesus! $400,000 Robot Jesus!

I love my robot Jesus. He downloads all of my sins.

--opus

posted by opus  at 10:24 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004

New Job

Sorry I haven't been updating much this week, but I'm knee-deep at work on my new job. I'm writing for a new television show that will air on SpikeTV later this summer. SpikeTV is "TV For Men", and they hired me for my overwhelming machismo. I am also quite "extreme" and enjoy wrestling and skydiving and yelling things at old people. That's me.

Because we don't have our offices yet, we are currently working out of the offices of a advertising agency. It's a bit of a strange environoment - all us comedy writers being raucus as the real workers arouns us frown at their computer monitors.

Today, I had to act in a short commerical the ad agency was shooting. In the shoot, I am in the background, I am chatting up an attractive woman and she jots down her phone number and hands it to me. I take my role as unimportant background actor very seriously. I really wanted to capture the true spirit of the Guy In The Background Getting A Phone Number From An Attractive Woman. So of course, my flirting seemed real - because I'm a method actor. It's what I do.

My scene partner, however, didnt' seem so committed. This woman was so frightened of me, she told me "I'll just write down a '555' number." What an insult! Stella Adler would have never given me a 555 number! Then when it was time for her to actually write the number down, she didn't even go the 555 route. She just jotted a random scribble and handed it to me. I swear, this woman had no respect for the craft of background acting.

Duly emasculated, I had to sit down and write some more cool, macho, testosterone comedy... to the X-treme!

--opus

posted by opus  at 5:56 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Taking A Dip

I spent most of yesterday in a freezing cold pool with a three piece suit on. Fun!


posted by opus  at 3:29 PM

Friday, March 12, 2004

Know Your Opus

Think you know me? Huh? Well then
take the Opus quiz
and see just how you fare!

--opus

posted by opus  at 10:20 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Hired!

Well just when I thought Hollywood had finally wised up, I turn around and land me another job. Granted, it's a short-term thing, only a few weeks long... but it has the possibility of turning into something bigger. It's a new show for SpikeTV that's being sponsored by Mt. Dew. I really picked the wrong year to give up caffeine.

I get the disctinct feeling I'm going to be writing a lot of "men's humor" which involves a lot of things blowing up, and boobies. But not boobies blowing up, that's just sick. Or perhaps... just perhaps... it's the future of comedy.

Watch out basic cable, I'm back with a vengance!

--opus

posted by opus  at 4:15 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

A True Thing That Happened A Year Or So Ago

I was in the line for the ATM at a local Hollywood shopping and movie plaza. Behind me is Leonardo DiCaprio. Suddenly he rushes over and stands directly to my left.

"Some woman over there keeps trying to take my picture," He says to me. I don't know how to respond. I sort of wish he asked me first before he decided I would be his human shield. There is a woman, she has a camera, and despite my overall opaqueness, she is still snapping away.

Leo is playing with something. "What's that you have there?" I ask, seeing as we're now close buddies who do favors for one another like block each other from cameras.

"It's a wind-up radio" he grumbles, as he winds it.

"Oh, that's useful. Because batteries are so scarce these days." I say.

He grunts something and goes back to winding. He doesn't want to talk to me at all. I thought we were pals, but apparently, we're not. He would just as soon have hid behind a pole (archectural or cultural).

And I thought we had something together. Ah well. And ladies, stop swooning, the guy looks like he's 13, for crying out pete. If you don't trust me, find the photos that lady took. He's the guy cowering behind the Opus.

--opus


posted by opus  at 1:46 PM

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

So cold...
If anybody knows of a cure for the common cold, let me know. Just not the one with the leeches. I tried that, and it just makes me all dizzy from lack of blood. Then I spin around and it's really fun. Then, mostly vomiting.

--opus

posted by opus  at 1:36 PM

Monday, March 08, 2004


Me and a portrait of me done by my friend David Bekerman.

posted by opus  at 6:22 PM

Birthday Joys, Birthday Woes

Friday was my birthday. Perhaps you noticed the hourlong celebrity-studded tributes on all three major broadcast networks. I was particularly fond of Tyne Daley's rendition of "Happy Birthdad To You" myself.

But for my nearby friends, the best way to celebrate was my birthday party. I had some people over my friend Omar's house, since his is much more spacious and lovely than mine, and more condusive to loud raucus fun times. I bought chips, and dips, and my liquor store working friend Grant provided the gift of alchohol. We were all set.

It was a great night - a little crazier than anticipated. I had invited a few friends over, and apparently, the word got out. So there were people I didn't even know there... not that I cared. I was getting hugs left and right, flirting with anything in a skirt (good thing I don't know any scotsmen), and swimming in presents. I got DVDs, candy, books, CDs, and a portrait of myself by my good friend Bekerman. I was a happy camper.

Until the party wore down, though. That's when I discovered that some nasty rascals threw water on the situation by absconding with stuff. They stole a few of Omar's DVDs and the camera I was borrowing from my little brother to document the occasion. Add it up, and I'm deep in the red for this birthday, having to repay for n'er-do-wells with sticky fingers. I don't blame my friends, I can't imagine them doing that. But friends-of-friends... i don't trust 'em.

Regardless, I had a lovely birthday, and thanks to all who sent me wishes of joy.

--opus

posted by opus  at 1:53 PM

Friday, March 05, 2004

Happy Birthday To Me!

That's right, it's my birthday! I'm sure the spontatnious celebrations and parades in my honor have sprung up in major metropolitan areas worldwide, but some of you in the more rural areas may have forgotten. (Once again, those bastards at Old Farmer's Almanac neglected to print my birthday in their calendar).

Feel free to send me birthday wishes. And by birthday wishes, I mean gold bars and candy.

--opus

posted by opus  at 11:47 AM

Monday, March 01, 2004

I May Have Been Flipped Off By Paris Hilton

Driving home from work on Friday was, as always, a chore. Traffic gets snarled at the intersection of Santa Monica Boulevard and Wilshire Boulevard, in Beverly Hills.

When I finally made it to this intersection, a huge Mercedes SUV was just hangin' out in the middle of the intersection. It looked like it was going to make a U-Turn, but then didn't have enough room to go. Now the driver just decided to wait out the next light in the middle of the intersection, effectively blocking all traffic in my lane.

I gave a small, angry honk as I pulled around. From the passenger's side, a gaunt blonde face stared at my angrily and gave me the finger. As I drove away, I thought, "My god... Paris Hilton just gave me the finger."

To be fair, it's hard to recognize her when she's not in "night-vision" mode. And considering that Beverly Hills is infested with vain anorexic rich blonde girls, it may not have been her.

But if it was you, Paris, I wish I could have returned the finger. Next time, I promise.

--opus

posted by opus  at 12:12 PM

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