Thursday, February 26, 2004

Hey all.

It has come to my attention that the link below to my Wish List does not work. This means you will not be able to buy me the birthday presents I so richly deserve.

So go here: Opus Moreschi's Wish List

And buy! Buy! Buy!

It's the American Way.


posted by opus  at 1:09 PM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Pre-Birthday Funtime: BUY ME CRAP!

That's right, folks, coming up on March 5th it's the annual international Opus Day. Recognized in over 30 countries around the world parades and festival carnivals.

Here are some ways you can celebrate International Opus Day.

1) Dress up like an Opus. You can find more info in the Opus Section of your local costume shop.

2) Buy me stuff off of my Amazon Wish List. Not only does it help me, but it helps the economy. And dammit, don't you want the economy to improve? George Bush sure as hell isn't doing anything about it... why don't you?

3) Buy me stuff off of my ThinkGeek Wish List. See above.

4) Buy me that hott new bed at Ikea that I want. You can come over and lay in it if you do.

5) Donate to some charity or something. I don't know.

6) Did I mention the buying of presents from you for me? Good.

Now, go forth and fill my life with clutter! I have said the word, and It Is Good.


posted by opus  at 9:41 AM

Sunday, February 22, 2004

My Brother Is A Cool Ass Snowboarder

That's a picture of my brother snowboarding. Soon after that picture was taken, he broke his thumb.

Lesson learned: Never every try to do anything exciting. Stay bland. Obey the rules. You won't get hurt.


posted by opus  at 1:03 PM

Friday, February 20, 2004

Wouldn't you like to take a luxury cruise with The Guy Who Played "Face" On The A-Team? Sure you would.

What's next, a rickshaw with Murdock? A horse drawn carriage ride with Mr. T? A piggyback ride from George Peppard?


posted by opus  at 3:55 PM

A man in New York was arrested for watching pornography while driving his car. Cops say his hands were at 10 and 2, but he still managed to keep honking the horn.

posted by opus  at 1:58 PM

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

The People In My Elevator Are Strange

Riding the elevator this morning, it is myself, a lanky early-20s dude, a heavyset asian man, and a woman who looks like she's definately somebody's Aunt.

Early 20s Dude: (leans over to me) You smell like skunk.
Me: (confused, not understanding it) What?
Early 20s Dude: Skunk, you smell like skunk, man.
Me: Well, I don't think it's me.
Early 20s Dude: Well somebody here does.

Early 20s Dude and Heavyset Asian Man leave the elevator at floor 3. I continue upward. I notice that Somebody's Aunt is raising her hand. I look at her.

Somebody's Aunt: It's me. I smell like skunk.
Me: Oh.

The rest of the ride continued in silence.


posted by opus  at 9:22 AM

Friday, February 13, 2004

Brilliant Solutions to the Gay Marriage Issue

1. Pair 'em up. Conservatives only want marriage to be between a man and a woman. So let's pair 'em up! Have gay couple, say Steve and Burt, join up with a lesbian couple, Judy and Martha. Steve gets Judy, Burt gets Martha, everybody's married, and nobody's happy. And if there's one thing that gay couples can learn about marriage from straight couples - everybody ends up unhappy. Except in marriage, they call that "compromise".

2. Ssmarriage. There are those who want to give gay couples every right of marriage, except the name. They want to call them "civil unions" which isn't very romantic, and doesn't look good engraved on a wedding invitation. So let's call it Same Sex Marriage, or "Ssmarriage" for short. The sanctity of marriage remains intact, since the word seems to be all they really care about. Married couples and ssmarried couples can intermingle happily, unless one of them has a speech impediment, then things get dicey.

3. Bunk 'up Some conservatives are arguing that allowing gay couples to marry will ruin the institution for straights. As a straight man, I've never been particularly threatened by gay people, probably because I'm not a raving queen cowering deep in the closet like so many conservatives. But if gay marriage will break up straight marriages, let's allow a solution. Gay married couples have to offer sanctuary for any straight person going through a divorce. I'm sure the gay couples have beautiful, well appointed guest rooms and a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, and these straight guys aren't exactly going to know how to take care of themselves. If gay people are going to break up straight marriages, by god, let them pick up the pieces.

4. Time Machine There have been many good reasons throughout history to build a time machine. To go back and save all of my Star Wars toys in their original packaging, for example, so I could hawk 'em to nerds and get out of debt. Or to go back in time and stop the movie "Butterfly Effect" from ever being made. But this might be the greatest opportunity yet. We can send lawmakers 50 years into the future, when people have finally wised up and legalized gay marraige, and look back on the early 2000s as a barbaric time where basic human rights were deined to citizens. Boy, will our politicians be kicking themselves when they see how history is treating them. If they ever want to be adored by the galactic space college of 2054, they'll wise up now.

However you all celebrate valentines day, be happy and be safe.


posted by opus  at 10:11 AM

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Bush's Brain Is AWOL

WASHINGTON DC - Stunning new allegations surfaced today that president George W. Bush's brain has been AWOL for the past three years.

Press secretary Scott McClellan immediately denied the charges, insisting, "President Bush's brain has been happy to serve his country." However, journalists investigating the matter can find no hard evidence that Bush has actually used his brain in the past three years.

The White House released documents today that they say show Bush has indeed used his brain. But to most, two half-finished "Jumbles" from July of last year is faint evidence, and there's no proof that it was Bush that actually used the crayon on those documents.

What makes the allegations worse is that many Americans have had to put extra effort on their brains in recent years. Between the mindbogglingly inept war policy, to the mindboggling inept economic policy, to the minbogglingly inept budget - Americans are having their minds boggled by this president, with no proof that he has a mind of his own.

"He doesn't need a brain," barked Vice President Dick Cheney to reporters, leaving an undisclosed location to travel to another undisclosed location. "I've got brain enough for the both of us!"

Cheney and Bush have both been rocked in recent weeks with records showing that they took a record amount of campaign donations from The Scarecrow, who has knowingly bragged about his own lack of a brain.

Democratic candidates are increasingly emphasizing their own brain experience on their campaign trail. Frontrunner Kerry has been showing off his massive forehead in many campaign stops, and his droning, fact-filled style of public speaking seems to be a deliberate display of his own cranial capacity.

Americans are growing increasingly frustrated with the administration's heavy-handed foreign policies. And even those Americans with brains and degrees are having trouble finding jobs in this stagnant economy. New rumors are circulating that if Bush does indeed have a brain, perhaps he lacks a heart - for he doesn't seem to care bout the plight of the average American.

Poll numbers suggest that if America's job market doesn't pick up, Bush may soon have to worry about finding a job himself. When asked about the irony of that situation, Bush only replied "What's irony?"

posted by opus  at 3:07 PM

Friday, February 06, 2004

Boba A Go Go

Have you been swept up by the Boba wave yet? If you're one of the millions of non-asian Americans who haven't tried this japanese treat yet, I say to you: Try it! Never again will the experience of sucking a plegm-like substance through a straw be so much fun!

What is Boba? It's an ancient Japnese word meaning "Another trick to play on Americans now that they're used to Sushi." It also is a very poor nickname for somebody named Roberta, but that's neither here nor there.

In a traditional cup of Boba, you will find marble-sized beads of goo. We are told these are Tapioca. We are also asked not to bring in a geiger counter close to the beads, told it is just a coincidence they come directly from Hiroshima.

The gooey beads lie at the bottom of a cup of strangely sweet milky liquid. Anybody who has worked in a restaurant will recognize this as the exact consistancy of dishwater. Some nutrasweet is thrown in to make it palatable.

When served, the Boba comes in a plastic cup with a hermetically sealed plastic covering. This is because leaving it open violates many OSHA requirements for dealing with waste. The consumer is then given a sharpened straw (no joke) and told to peirce the skin of the plastic covering like one was harpooning a whale for the valuable medicinal blubber it provides.

The straw is not only sharpened, but massive, so as to allow the user to suck up those blobs of uncertain goo at the bottom of the cup. You didn't think they were just going to sit there, did you? No sir, you get to drink those blobs.

Not to get too graphic, but after trying to swallow marble-sized blobs of sticky goo, I have newfound respect for any straight woman I've ever known, and all of the gay men. You do great and difficult things.

Here is where they manage to pull the biggest con on you, though. The boba? The weird milky drink with pearls of goo lining the bottom? It's actually good. It's tasty. You find yourself wanting more the next day.

Soon it'll be as normal to us as sushi. What's next Japan, fried glass shards? And can I get mine to go?


posted by opus  at 3:29 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Uncool Dude of the Day

So I was poking around, seeing who was linking to my site. It's a fun, egocentric way to spend an afteroon.

And I find a blog where a dude pretty much rips off part of my The Democratic Candidates and their Cartoon Equivalents bit. Not that I mind being referenced, or linked to, or whatever. But this guy (I'm not going to link to him - he doesn't deserve the traffic) just lifted a few pictures from the site.

Not only that, he didn't even bother to put the picutres on his own server. He just posted my pictures, still on my server, without giving me props at all. Lame. I wrote him a fairly nice email, asking him what was up, but never heard back from him. Double lame.

As for me, I'm going to do the right thing. Next time I totally rip somebody off, I'm going to credit that guy. He was the originator of ripping somebody off, and he deserves nothing less than full credit.


posted by opus  at 12:51 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Oreo Math

What could be more boring than watching somebody give a report on budgetary allocations? Well hold your horses there, snippy Joe. What if the report were given by that guy from Ben & Jerrys using Oreo Cookies as examples?

Delicious, nutritious, fiscally responsible! Pass the milk!


posted by opus  at 3:15 PM

Monday, February 02, 2004

Superb Owl.

Well another game of championship "foot-ball" has come and gone, and the people who won are from roughly the same geographic region that I'm from, so therefore I suppose I am happy.

I don't exactly grasp the intricacies of the game (to me the phrase "special team" will always refer to the White House task force that Bush conveined to find justification for the Iraq war) so to me watching foot-ball is just a lot of guys running into one another in an attempt to move a ball a few feet in one direction. Granted, it can be interesting when some guy actually moves the ball more than expected, or another guy gets hurt really bad. But between that it's just a lot of waiting, grunting and bad beer commercials.

I left the game early. Apparently it came down to a last minute field goal attempt by the Patriots, but they totally ripped that plot off from the Superbowl two years ago. Yawn.

Here's my proposal: next year, Primates V. Humans. That's a damn sport I would watch. We just have to figure out how to tell the two apart...


posted by opus  at 10:52 AM


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