Friday, October 31, 2003

Strange Actual Headline Of The Day:

CNN.com - Rumsfeld unsure of missing 'mojo' - Oct. 31, 2003

I'm pretty sure it's hiding with the Weapons of Mass Destruction.

posted by opus  at 2:29 PM

Album Covers Rendered in Lego

posted by opus  at 1:23 PM

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Yesterday I listened to President Bush give a press conference. I am quite
vocal about not liking this guy, but every time I hear him, he exceeds my expecations
in regards to how goddamn stupid he is. A few highlights/lowlights:

A reporter asked Bush about appearing before a huge banner in May saying "Mission
Accomplished" when there have been more deaths an injuries after the end
of "major combat" than before. Bush's answer:

The "Mission Accomplished" sign, of course, was put up by the members
of the USS Abraham Lincoln saying that their mission was accomplished. I know
it was attributed somehow to some ingenious advance man from staff.
(pause) They weren't that ingenious, by the way.

His sentence regarding his ingenious staff was meant to be sarcastic. Then,
just like the guy at the party who overexplains his joke, Bush has to stop and
spell it out. No, Georgey, not everybody is as dumb as you.

Now, let's coin a new word:

And that's exactly what's taking place on a regular basis inside of Iraq.
The strategy remains the same. The tactics to respond to, you know, more suiciders
driving cars, will alter on the ground.

Yes, "Suicider". New from Mike's Hard Cider, the hardest cider of
all: The SuiCider. Mmmmm...

Also, I should point out, no matter what definition you assign to the word
"suicider" that sentence still doesn't make a lick of sense.

Yes, well, not every action requires military action. As you notice, for
example, in North Korea, we've chosen to put together a multinational strategy
to deal with Mr. Kim Jong Il. Not every action requires military action.

So when we know they have weapons of mass destruction, don't attack. When we
know they don't, make up some evidence, and then attack. Makes sense to me.

I just want to remind you that the Saddam Hussein military action took place
after enumerable United Security Council resolutions were passed. Not one,
two or three, but... a lot.

He's still working on counting. He's up to three, but past that, it's just...
"a lot." Past a hundred, I think he goes with "a wicked lot".
Sometimes I think Rain Man would have been a better President. At least that
guy can count.

Regarding Condi Rice, Bush invents another new word:

I value her judgment and her intelligence -- but her job is also to deal
inter-agency and to help unstick things that may get stuck. That's the best
way to put it. She's an unsticker...

... and -- is she listening? OK, well, she's doing a fine job.

An unsticker. I think that's going on her resume. Job Title: Unsticker. Duties:
Unsticking Stuff. Good thing Bush is fucking up so much, she's got a lot of
work to do.

BUSH: Let's see: Mark Smith, a radio man.

QUESTION: Thank you very much, sir, for including radio folks here.

BUSH: Face for radio.

(LAUGHTER)

QUESTION: I wish I could say that was the first time you told me that, sir.

(LAUGHTER)

BUSH: First time I did it to a national audience, though.

QUESTION: Actually my wife the last time.

You get the feeling Bush is like that bawdy uncle who only has one dirty joke
and he says it every time he gets drunk. Mark Smith sounded fed up as hell with
the "Face For Radio" line. I think perhaps a comeback involving "Soul
Bound For Hell" is appropriate.

Well, I think the American people are patient during election year, because they tend to be able to differentiate between, you know, politics and reality.
And as a matter of fact, the American people are -- the electors are a heck
of a lot smarter than most politicians.

There you have it. Our president admitting that he's isn't as smart as you.
And now he's leading us all into an 87 Billion Dollar Quagmire.

God Bless America!

--Opus

PS - He also called one reporter "Slim". I don't want any President
using nicknames that sound like they're straight out of 50s Westerns. Except
for perhaps, Cokie, when refering to Cokie Roberts. That's just unavoidable.

posted by opus  at 1:05 PM

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Yahoo! News - 'Price Is Right' Announcer Rod Roddy Dies

Rod Roddy has passed away. This makes me particularly sad because, however briefly, I knew the man.

When I was working at Kilborn, my job was to answer phones, but I appeared in the occasional on-air sketch as well. Once, I answered a phone and it was Rod Roddy, the unmistakable announcer from The Price Is Right. What's more, he watched Kilborn a lot, and knew who I was, and engaged me in a 5 minute conversation.

Rod Roddy is probably remembered to my generation as the guy you saw on television on those rare days you got to stay home sick from school. He only appeared on those most cherished of days, cuddled in a blanket on the couch with saltines and water. He probably comforted more sick children than Mother Theresa.

So to be talking to him on the phone was a mind-blowing experience. Later, we appeared in a sketch together. I got to try on his sparkly jacket and he shouted "Come On Down!". Even after I was done appearing on air, Rod would often come and visit me, hanging out in the Green Room of Kilborn and talking about things. And I still got that odd mix of awe and comfort whenever he came around.

Rod knew, above all else, that in many people's eyes he was a one-note character, a bit of a punchline. He knew how his paycheck got signed. But he was also a genuinely sweet guy, who was willing to while away a half hour with a starry-eyed kid who remembers watching Rod Roddy on the TV so long ago. He will be missed.

--opus

posted by opus  at 9:29 AM

Monday, October 27, 2003

If you have a kid, and it's a hemaphrodite, I bet it's annoying when people say "Is that your son or your daughter?". Which is why I've invented a new word: Hemaphrokid. Feel free to pepper your everyday conversations with it.

--opus

posted by Hemaphrodite

Scary Link Of The Day: Cost of War

posted by opus  at 8:03 AM

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Laffy News

GM is changing the name of its Buick Lacrosse since it found out that the name in Canada is slang for masturbation. It's the most embarassing name since the Kia Incestia.

A group of 13 old school boys were caught taking Viagra on a dare at school. The school decided against the usual punishment of spanking when the boys started begging for it.

A student at Ball State shaved her head to convince people she had cancer to try to get money from them. Her latest venture: to get "being a complete prick" officially recognized as a disability.

A 93 year old barber set a record for 81 years of haricutting. Asked for a quote on his historic accomplishment, he simply chuckled to himself and said softly, "Oh, God, I've wasted my entire life."

The latest craze to hit Germany is "Porno Kareoke." I told my ex-girlfriends all about this trend to fake orgasms in front of strangers and they all said the same thing... "What's an orgasm?"

A swedish man was arrested trying to smuggle snakes into Australia in his pants. The man gave himself away when a Boa decided to get romantic with his other trouser snake.

posted by opus  at 11:21 AM

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Elliott Smith is dead. The pock-faced cranky-souled songwriter apparently stabbed himself in Silverlake.

Okay, first of all, who stabbed themselves? What is this, a greek tragedy? I wonder if he found out that he killed his father and slept with his mother or something.

Secondly, my friend Dana asks the most important question of the day: Where was Courtney Love when this all went down?

If only Ellott Smith had given us some sort of sign, some sort of clue, that he wasn't feeling up to snuff. Perhaps he listened to "Figure 8" and it finally pushed him over the edge. Be on the lookout for his posthumous duet with Tupac Shakur, in stores any day now.

And, finally, it must be pointed out, as with every single indie artist: I liked his suicide before it was cool. And his suicide was much better before he was signed to a major label.

--opus

posted by opus  at 4:49 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Friendster Addiction.

It's a nasty little drug. They suck you in seeming so innocent. Just a few pictures, a few friends. A little way to kill a few minutes at work. It was like yearbooks of old - leaving pithy messages on other people's pages. It was glowing and happy.

Then it got weird. You started searching for people you used to know. That old girlfriend. The guy you sat next to in biology. And those people searched for you. Do I really need to talk to the person I worked with in during college? And do they really need to be my "friendster"?

By now you're going for hits a couple of times a day. To see if anybody's written you. Any new testimonials. Some glitch doesn't let you see your mail right away and you spend hours "refreshing" your browswer, hoping you can get your fix. And you're browsing through hundreds of profiles - maybe your next best friend is in here. Your future spouse. Your next employer.

They'll end up finding you a year later, scraggly beard reaching to your belly, tenaciously clutching your mouse, muttering to yourself something about "activity partners." Your real friends have been lost for ages - they're on the list, who needs them anymore? You don't even resemble your profile picture anymore. And you just keep friendstering... keep hoping for one... more.. hit...

posted by opus  at 5:27 PM

Monday, October 20, 2003

I belong to a website called eMusic.com, which had a great deal going. Ten bucks a month, unlimited mp3 downloads. Their catalog was limited, but it was mostly indie fare - Matador, Spin Art, Kindercore. Plus good old stuff like Willie Nelson, Django Reinhart, The Carter Family, Louis Armstrong. A worthy way to spend my hard earned cash.

That is, up until about a week ago. They announced that the unlimited download deal is over, that they're going to limit people to 40 downloads a month. Which for ten bucks sounds like a good deal, but part of the joy was just downloading random music to see if you'd enjoy it. You don't have that freedom under the new plan.

So... in the past week I've been fervently downloading any music I think I may have some chance of being interested in any time in the future. I'm gonna get my ten bucks worth this month, and then cancel. Any suggestions of obscure indie bands or old classics I need to check out?

posted by opus  at 11:20 PM

Animation -

If anybody knows anything about easy, cheap ways to make animation (I'm thinking probably Flash, but there are surely other options) please let me know. I've got a few ideas I think would make for amusing little animated dealies.

-- opus

posted by opus  at 9:15 AM

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Sometimes I chide myself for not going out more often, to parties and get togethers. Then I go to a party or a get together and find myself with a bunch of people I have nothing in common with and I'm bored out of my skull. Such as tonight, when the highlight of the evening came when I finally got a chance to sit in the barber's chair that my friend had on his porch.

I perhaps am feeling a bit moribund because I found out I am probably going to be passed over for a writing gig that I was hoping for. Not because I liked the show - it's a cruddy show. But I could have used the money and I would like to keep some sort of momentum in my career. I'll just count myself lucky not to be a crewmember on a sinking ship, I suppose.

Themes of being ostracized today, eh? Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is The Lord's Day, and He promised me a sammich.

opus

posted by opus  at 12:29 AM

Friday, October 17, 2003

Hey Hollywood! Isn't it about time you had some entertainment?

For too many people in this town (Los Angeles), their lives are their work. And recent studies show that upwards of 85% of people in Los Angeles work in the coal mines. Well, grab a wet nap, wipe away the grime, and practice laughing - it's comedy time!

Tonight, at 10pm at the Improv Olympic West, the B-Team will be performing a fantastic sketch comedy show! Hailed by both the LA Times and Backstage West, this show is sure to please if you're the type that's pleased easily!

Most importantly, a big fat industry fatcat fancypants from the Aspen Comedy Festival will be there, judging our every move with his beady little eyes. So the more people we have in the audience laughing, the better we can pull the wool over his eyes.

So come on, Hollywood! Put down your Miner's Helmets and put on your party hats! It's B-Team Time!

The B-Team
Fridays in October at 10pm
Improv Olympic West at 6636 Hollywood Blvd
www.btheteam.com

posted by opus  at 11:58 AM

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Hmmm

Well, back when i was freelance writing, I decided to drop the excellent web site Obscure Store a letter thanking them. They compile the best of the "weird news" type items every day - a godsend for joke writers. This was perhaps a year and a half ago.

The good news is - Obscure Store finally got around to reading my letter. And then they put it on their site the other day.

The bad news - I'm trying to get a job from a certain late night talk show, and I found out that everybody on staff saw my little message. So I look like a complete and udder goober now.

Check it out yourself - you'll have to scroll down.

--opus

posted by opus  at 9:44 AM

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Well, the site is, pretty much, done now. Photos are available, links are there... the art gallery is still wonky, and I need to put more stuff under "Etc" but you get the gist of it. Thanks for all of your patience, and I hope you enjoy it.

Any requests? Complaints? Revisions? Typos? Hobos? Yohos? Mumus? Let me know.

--opus

posted by opus  at 10:12 PM

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

As man of you know, I used to write for the New Tom Green Show before it got unceremoniously canned by MTV. Now I lick the bottom of dumpsters hoping that some small speck of nutrients have accumulated in the cracks. If only it weren't so!

Well, maybe I can do more than cry into my spilt, spoiled, two-weeks-past-experation-date milk. A group of well meaning, we-can-change-the-world type kids have mobilized to bring the show back in an admirable, if inevitably doomed, effort. Check it out, revel in their can do spirit. You might even want to print a few stickers up. They're pretty stylish.

Tom Has A Posse Dot Com

posted by opus  at 9:14 PM

A few weeks back, I saw Angelyne under the harsh lights of supermarket. She was honestly the most frightening thing I have ever seen in my life. She had obviously had numerous plastic surgeries, and her face looked like a lump of play-doh upon which several inches of industrial-strength make-up had been clumped. And she squeezed her body into a series of pink clothes that might fit a Barbie Doll, but certainly not her.

The good news? I lost my appetite and bought significantly less food.

posted by opus  at 12:42 PM

Smith & Wesson To Sell Clothing and Interior Decoration

Wow, is that a pistol in your jeans pocket or... no, wait, it's a pistol.




smug bastards

posted by opus  at 12:32 PM

What happens when a french viola player reveals his or her instrument with a flourish? Do they actually say "Voila, viola!". I want to know.

--opus

posted by opus  at 12:25 PM

All I'm saying is, if you're a girl that I used to date, please, don't tell me about your drug-fueled lesbian group sex weekend. I frankly don't want to hear about it.

--opus

posted by opus  at 11:30 AM

Monday, October 13, 2003

Beware the monkey-robot. The monkey-robot will kill you with his mind. BEGONE FOUL MONKEY-ROBOT!

posted by opus  at 7:59 PM

Feeling a little sickly today. I blame Arnold for it. I blame him for everything.

Today my "friendster" count officially rolled over into the triple digits. I was resisting this for a long time. I feel like friendsters in the hundreds is a little too decadent. But then again, when some person who was a roomate of somebody you knew in college asks you to join up... well, it's easier to click yes than to explain to them how you want to keep your Friendsters limited to a small, select group.

No fakesters on my list, though. Opus is keepin' it real.

opus

posted by opus  at 7:56 PM

Anybody up for this:

http://www.nanowrimo.org

Anybody? Anybody?

opus

posted by opus  at 12:40 AM

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Sigh... it looks like Ah-Nahld is our next Governor. Rediculous. One millionare Republican pays a bunch of people to sign a ballot, another millionare Republican coasts into office. All on the false pretense that Gray Davis fucked up our economy. Of course it was Pete Wilson who signed energy deregulation, which is what screwed the stae. And what's Pete Wilson doing now? He's the advisor to the Schwartzenneger campaign.

America, why you always gotta break my heart?

opus

posted by opus  at 8:55 PM

Monday, October 06, 2003

Happy Monday! I am trying to get into the habit of writing in this blog no matter how trivial my day was. So, today I: Got tickets to the Decemberists, made plans with friends, and threw up. The last part was the least fun.

I'm okay, now. Thanks.

opus

posted by opus  at 9:01 PM

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Still working out the kinks. Thanks for all of your help and comments.

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christopher Walken

I apologize.

opus

posted by opus  at 10:47 PM

Saturday, October 04, 2003

Beta Testing!

Hey, all. I'm still updating the site, but I need a favor from you all. Can you tell me if there are any major glitches in the site as you poke around? I accessed it from a PC for the first time yesterday and the margins were all wacky. I hopefully have fixed it but have no way of telling... let me know. I'll send you delicious, delicious candy.

Thanks,

opus

posted by opus  at 2:36 PM

Friday, October 03, 2003

I had no idea, but apparently people are actually reading this. Thank you for that. But it's like you're peeking on me before I'm done changing. Not a pretty mental image, hmm? Give me a few more days, and I swear, the whole site will be done.

posted by opus  at 3:47 PM

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