Sunday, November 30, 2003

Saddest. Website. Ever.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Thanksgiving! A Time For Giving! (Also, Thanks)

I was admonished by my friend Genghis Jon because I didn't have a Thanksgiving entry to my blog. My apologies, Jon... some of us are too busy LIVING life to write about it.

Okay, that's not true at all. I have spent the last four hours trying to eke out a good fare to go home for Christmas. This is the sort of complex, multi-legged, carefully balanced vacation that comes from being a modern day child of divorce. One must take into account where you spent last Christmas, how long you spent there, when you saw each parent last, and on what grounds. If one leg of the holiday is shorter than the next, you have to prepare for the guilt you're going to receive. Either in person, or in the form of passive-aggressive holiday gifts. I'm talking socks, toothpaste, deoderant... pretty much anything purchased at your local pharmacy counts.

The truth be told, I love visiting my family. It's days like Thanksgiving which make me miss them the most - the comfort you can have in your own home, even when you're walking on eggshells, is amazing. Plus, being fed home-cooked meals it a good change. Sorry, Trader Joe, you got nothing on home-made lasagna or artichokes.

So this Thanksgiving, as I sit down to a small meal with a couple of food friends, I'll raise a glass to family. If I'm not too busy pounding the keyboard in frustrationg, trying to get my airplane ticket price down just a few more bucks...


posted by opus  at 9:26 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

I can travel through time. But I can only travel forwards, and only real-time. It's not a very good power, but it's all I've got.

posted by opus  at 12:10 PM

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Party Central, USA

Last night was supposed to be a nice get-together dinner with some old writing friends of mine. But one dropped out, and plans got rearranged and suddenly it was an all-night-super-party-time. Tom decided to join us for dinner, and then insisted we all go out afterwards.

I'm not exactly the nightclub type, myself. I knew that I was out of my element when I pulled my battered Ford Focus Hatchback into the parking lot full of BMWs and Lexii. When the valet guy asked me if I wanted the twenty dollars "deluxe" parking or the ten dollar "regular" parking I felt like asking if there was a cheaper option.

Tom knew the doorman, so we were just waved in past the line outside. Once inside, we were in a crush of hip kids, each bustling against one another in a constant attempt to get somewhere else. I am pretty sure I was the only guy in there, wearing a tie. Lots of people kept coming up to Tom, asking him for autographs and stuff.

Eventually some girls struck up a conversation with a few young ladies. One, named Persia, introduced herself by grinding her crotch against mine. Then she instructed me to hit her hand and call her a "bad kitty". Her friend remarked casually that she liked this.

Persia danced with me a while more, pausing occaionally to look me in the eyes and call me a brat. I was struggling to keep up with this. All I know was that a few hours later, Persia was on stage, and her friend was giving me dollar bills to tuck into her pants.

It was an interesting evening, sure. But I was glad to get my dinky little car back from the valet guy and move on home. The beat of bad hip-hop still throbs in my veins, the strobe lights still blink in my eyes, and I'm thankful I have nobody calling me a brat anymore.


posted by opus  at 8:52 PM

Friday, November 21, 2003

Here's something extremely satisfying: When you're driving, and a truck visciously cuts you off, causing you to slam on your breaks and choke yourself on your own seatbelt... notice the tuck. Notice that it's from "Elite Granite and Mabrle" and then take out your cell phone and give "Elite Granite and Marble" a call. Let them know their drivers are acting like jerks on the road and giving their company a bad name. Sit back and savor the sweet sweet revenge.


posted by opus  at 1:44 PM

Cutest. Website. Ever.

posted by opus  at 9:21 AM

Thursday, November 20, 2003

I am posting from my cell phone. In my car. In traffic.

I'm so BAD.

O, calm down, people. I'm not endangering anybody. Traffic is stopped - I couldn't hurt a snail without moving.

Now somebody get me out of here.

posted by opus  at 6:56 PM

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Completely Made-Up Old Saying Of The Day

"Loan" turns to "own" once your friend get the "L" out out of there.

posted by opus  at 9:04 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Somebody sent me an email saying my Amazon Wish List wasn't working. Well, here it is.

Now buy me bunches of stuff. It's the American Way!


posted by opus  at 4:32 PM

I heard today on the radio that there will be 14,000 police deployed in London to help stem the tide of protestors. fourteen Thousand ... and those are just the cops. Or, as they say, "Bobbies.". Of course, the US has shut down huge parts of London for "safety reasons" meaning that the protestors may never get near Bush himself. Lord knows, Bush and Blair wouldn't want to be troubled by hearing the will of the people or any such bothersome nonsense.

I have also heard that Blair agreed to give his support for the Iraq war because Bush agreed to help him push a Palestinian State. And now Bush has pretty much screwed Peace in the Middle East up (and how? He had a roadmap, after all) so I'd be interested to hear if Blair can get past that infamous British politeness and really chew Bush out. After all, Blair's political career is pretty much over thanks to Bush. He can't be too happy.

Oh, crap... have I become one of those jerks who espouses his own narrow political viewpoint on his blog and expects everybody to care? Damn... I'm sorry. Here, have a catalog of funny comic strip exclamations like "oomph!" and "Aarrrgh!' and forget I ever said anything.

In particular, forget I ever said "ooomph!" and "Aarrrgh!"


posted by opus  at 11:19 AM

Have you ever gone to type something, and your fingers land on the wrong keys, and for a minute you think, "Wow... I'm typing in Swedish!"

Hsbr upi rbrt hpmr yp yu[r dp,ryjomh smf upit gomhrt ;smf pm yjr etpmh lrud. smf gpt s ,omiyr. upi yjoml. "
Wpe... z''o yu[omh om zsewfodj!"

posted by opus  at 11:14 AM

Monday, November 17, 2003

Rise of the Machines

It's a rough day to be somebody with a clue. The one-two punch of dunderheads in positions of power has left me dizzy. Today Rush Limbaugh returns from drug rehab to take back his radio show, and apparently, he's as much of a jerk as ever. And of course, Ah-nahld is taking over the state of California.

The Rush thing so drips with hipocrasy, it's so soaked in its own self-delusion, that it's almost hard to even make fun of it. I mean, this is a guy who kept calling for tough penalties on people who abused drugs. And now, of course, that he's the one who's in the hot seat... it's all different. In my experience, conservatives mock liberals for being "bleeding hearts," but then turn around and expect compassion when it happens to one of their own. Look at Jeb Bush's daughter down in Florida, for example.

And Arnold. Poor poor California. I honestly can't understand how he got into office. I understand people were fed up with Davis, fine. But that doesn't mean you take any schmoe who comes down the pike. In my mind, I kept lumping Arnold with Gary Coleman, both of them actors who were making a jokey little play at office. I couldn't see how either were that different - neither had any experience, neither have been particularly successfull at acting lately, neither had any real right to be in office. One of them is. If any of you voted for Arnold, please, explain to me why. I honestly can't comprehend it. I promise not to be condescending, just explain exactly what it was that made you punch his chad.

I'd like to give him a congratulatory grope.


posted by opus  at 11:32 AM

Dirty Images created entirely using mathematical algorithms. Ooh, baby, yeah, square that root....

posted by opus  at 11:16 AM

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Presidential Name Game

Why is it so many of the democratic cantidates have two first names?

Howard Dean
John Edwards
Wesley Clark
John Kerry
Bob Graham
Dennis Kucinich

This is something every Tom, Dick and Kucinich has to really worry about.


posted by opus  at 11:35 AM

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Sickly Ickly

Well, friends, Opus isn't doing so well. I'm sick. Yesterday was the worst - laying in bed, with a headache too horrible to sleep, but also too horrible to open one's eyes and focus on, say, a book. No, instead, you have to just lie there and pretty much just think about how much it sucks that you're in pain.

Why not try some headache medicine, you ask? Well I did. And then the headache started growing ooky tenticles, which reached deep into my body and started throttling my tummy until I was forced to puke up my stomach contents. The best part was, while puking loudly, I heard my roommate rewind the movie he was watching because he missed hearing something. Sorry my incessant ralphing was too loud for you!

Today I'm slightly better. Thanks for asking. I'll try not to vomit into this web page.


posted by opus  at 12:56 PM

Best. Campaign Ad. Ever. Watch it. For serious.

posted by opus  at 9:51 AM

Orangutan Boxing? That's just cruel and inhumane. At least give them knives and let them have a fighting chance....

posted by opus  at 9:43 AM

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Over the weekend I traded in a bunch of used CDs at Ameoba. It's amazing how much an iPod has changed my whole way of thinking about music. I used to think about the discs, or tapes, and with every album the image of that cover would be conjured along with the music. Now the CD gets used exactly once, to rip the tracks into mp3 format. After that it sits on my shelf. Often I'll never even crack the booklet.

I'm still stubbornly hanging on to most of my CDs for now, though. I tell myself there may be a hard drive crash or something, and I'll need the backups. I think it's just some small part of me that can't comprehend the idea of ownership without a physical representation of what it is I'm owning. I think I'd be just as happy with a small framed certificate that read "The Bearer of This Certificate Hearby Owns The Decemberists' 'Castaways and Cutouts'. Amen."

Some day I'll bring people up to look at my music, books, movies, and art - and just point to a hard drive whirring away. Ain't she a beaut?


posted by opus  at 3:00 PM

People Acting Like Cars to try to get into our country. They're like human Transformers! Only the real Transformers didn't work sub-minimum-wage jobs with no benefits.

posted by opus  at 11:33 AM

Monday, November 10, 2003

Two Thousand Baboon Noses Found in Amsterdam Airport Suitcase. Seriously, the Baboon Uncle that played "Got Yer Nose" 2,000 times really needs to be disciplined.

posted by opus  at 4:38 PM

Jessica Lynch slams the Pentagon's "Lies" Funny how I had to read this on a British web site. You'd think our "liberal media" would jump all over this one.....

posted by opus  at 4:07 PM

Who wants to marry Dennis Kucinich? The new game by the same people who brought you "Who the hell is Dennis Kucinich?"

posted by opus  at 12:13 PM

The World's Oldest Woman Passed Away and is being buried next to her husband, even though she hated him. Perhaps she should have rethought using the phrase "over my dead body."

posted by opus  at 12:05 PM

When hiking through a dark forest, what could be scarier, more spooky, more terrifying than
70 pairs of shoes filled with butter????

posted by opus  at 11:53 AM

Friday, November 07, 2003

Haven't you always wanted to see what various zoo animals would look like on an infrared camera? No? Trust me, you have. Really. Seriously. Check out the Infrared Zoo

posted by opus  at 12:40 PM

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Feeling furiously icky today. A nose sniffle kept me tossing and turning all night last night. I always wake up 2 minutes before my alarm clock goes off. In my college days, I was so restless I could count on waking up in time for anything, and never had to set my alarm at all. Insomnia is good for something. Those were the days.

Anyways, today I'm sore and cranky. But when you're working at a place that helps kids with cancer and HIV and serious, life-threatening dieases, you can't really complain about a sniffle. Once I told a kid I ate a bad burger. She told me for the past few years all of her food came from a tube in her tummy. That shut me up.

Any home-made, sure-fire, mom-approved cures for the cold out there?

posted by opus  at 12:34 PM

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

If you're trying to woo a date, you should always compliment him or her. However, you should be careful to carefully take care to choose your words carefully. Here is my helpful guide, culled from years of experience in screwing up.

Pleasantly Plump
Surpsisingly stench-free
Resistant to Infection
Supersize It
The money's on the dresser

posted by opus  at 11:00 AM

Monday, November 03, 2003

Fifth Graders listen to Radiohead for the first time and give their unsullied reaciton. Shades of Emporer's New Clothes, anybody?

posted by opus  at 12:36 PM

Well, over the weekend there was one of the most horrible attacks on US troops in Iraq, underscoring our aimless strategy there and the lives Bush's folly is taking. What can make it all better?

An Adorable Puppy!

On Saturday, my roommate found an adorable puppy running in traffic and so she took it in. We're technically not allowed to have pets in our apartment, but when you see the Adorable Puppy shivering from the cold in the arms of your roommate, technicalities do not apply.

There is something about puppies, and little animals in general. Evolution has made them adorable. This is so we do not kill and eat them. I would think making them tough and stringy would be enough, but evolution knows a lot more than I do. Evolution has more experience in these matters.

For a few hours this weekend, troubles melted away as the Adorable Puppy (who I called "Stupid Puppy" so as to not get too attached) romped and played and bit my stockinged feet. We need to send some adorable puppies to foreign leaders. I think it would solve a lot.

The Adorable Puppy now lives with a neighbor who is allowed to have dogs, and we're back to our mudane puppy-less existance. Which is good because, cute or not, I was getting hungry and that box of Puppy Helper was just sitting on the shelf...

posted by opus  at 12:05 PM

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Is it really wrong of me to really want the MicroTouch Trimmer?

posted by opus  at 2:36 PM


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